for context: i love my partner! i love talking to my partner so much. they're my whole world and my treasure. however, they're more of a caller than a texter. so sometimes they tend to zone out and reply a little later.
it's nothing i mind too much most of the time, since i'm not too good at conversations either—and part of me knows and trusts that the both of us are very comfortable with the silence!! we still love each other very much!!
but... i tend to do this thing sometimes, in the time between my text and their reply... something i'm NOW only realizing, much to my horror:
see, my (beautiful, lovely, incredibly sweet) partner texts back VERY sporadically. sometimes, they'd reply instantly. other times, they're in the middle of an activity and would reply an hour or so later—which is again very fine, because they (my lovely partner) have a life of their own!
because social media is inescapable (for me, personally; good for anyone else who has managed to escape its dastardly clutches), i'm AT LEAST slowly trying to gain some self-awareness with the way i use it. rely on it less for dopamine... it works for the most part when my (lovely) partner is asleep, leaving me with not much to look forward to on my phone to be able to do my own thing. what i'd unknowingly do sometimes when we're talking, though, is that i'd get on twitter and start scrolling.
i scroll, and i wait. until their next text pops out some indeterminate time later, and i realized i've already been scrolling that stupid platform for half an hour now... oh, but how can this be! time flies oh so fast!!
and then i remember watching a certain video: "You're not addicted to tiktok/reels, you're addicted to the scrolling" by amazing youtuber HGModernism.¹ while i'm pretty much restrained from social media use for the most part, i realize i am no better than a pigeon whose pecking the skinner box button every single time for dopamine even if the "food" in question drops at very indeterminate times.
how mortifying!!
of course, this isn't the fault of my (incredible) partner. it's a matter of self-restraint and impulse. it certainly doesn't help that twitter, what with its addition of the "for you tab", constantly feeds you new things to stay hooked on the app. in turn, this novelty of new, exciting posts makes it feel like time is going so slow—when in fact you're steadily losing time in the background faster than you can perceive. as i was typing this paragraph, i've actually found a fascinating series of articles by matt johnson phD on social media and its effect on the perception of time and memory.²³⁴
"This presented a paradox. As they sat there on the couch, the world, in all its familiarity and routine, quickly fizzed by. But on their screens, time felt slow."
this time-blindness that i experience, coupled with the fact that conversations are sporadic, creates this effect that draws me to twitter BECAUSE my subconscious knows for a fact that it'll make my perception of time warped enough to perceive the wait as only being 10 minutes... when an hour has already passed. all this, i'm only realizing consciously in horror.
side note, the articles in question have SO much gold in them that i'd definitely revisit them. he talks about memory formation on the second part of the series, and given my passion for mindful media consumption: it explains SO much about how it's a struggle to sometimes recall art that is meaningful to us. (it's because sometimes we take in too much, without having to breathe. thus leading to poor memory formation.)
... i guess given that i am reflecting on this whole thing, my self-awareness has definitely increased. whenever i wait for text responses, maybe i'll stay away from twitter and do something else...? i'll go sit and watch a movie. i'll draw. i'll play a game. and then i'll tell my (wonderful) partner all about it, when they come back to talk. in a way, i really look up to them... they have the restraint not to be so hooked on a phone all the time. i really love them, and because i do, i'll try and practice that level of control over myself too :)
as HGModernism puts it in her video¹:
"You have a limited number of minutes until you die, and those minutes are being stolen from you."
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matt johnson's series of essays. a recommended read. touches on how the constant, ceaseless stream of novelty that social media provides us with is messing with our perception of both time and memory.
2 "How The Psychology of Time is Warped by Media and Novelty." Matt Johnson, PhD.
3 "How Social Media Interferences With The Psychology of Time and Memory." Matt Johnson, PhD.
4 "The Psychology behind TikTok’s Memory Interference." Matr Johnson, PhD.
doomscrolling, mindful media consumption, self-awareness, time blindness
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✉️: angelais@protonmail.com